Prologue
As the night of 7th December, 2009 descended on Bengaluru, the utter chaos in one of rooms in Kundalahalli Gate gave the impression that there had been a robbery in that room. In fact, it was Bakar Kramank Shunya (also known as Amy or Chu****d) frantically dumping his stuff in a suitcase hoping to catch some sleep before his flight early morning. Knowing his appetite for sleep, he knew very well that this was going to a big problem.
But there were bigger problems that Amy had to face than packing his stuff in time.
First problem was that Naga was experiencing some fault lines inside his abdomen leading to his frequent bowel movements. Amy had to convince Naga somehow to board the flight with him despite his stomach upsets risking the lives …. rather the nostrils of the pretty air hostesses, fellow passengers, the furniture in the aircraft and possibly the ozone layer as well. A fart by Naga at such an altitude could be a disaster for the earth’s delicate balance of natural gases!!!
Second problem was dealing with the only Sardar in this world who is always in tension. Somehow he had to convince the great sardar aka Darindar with arguments/poetry/philosophy/abuses to wear a kurta with a pajama with a stole with floaters.
And finally, the biggest problem he faced was to wake up at an inhumanly hour of 03:00 am in the Bangalore cold. Knowing very well that waking up by himself at that unearthly hour was as simple as GD (GT to some) finding a girlfriend, he had to draw backup plans. His backup plans included asking the watchman, his neighbor and his friends Gogo, Kallu and Naga to ‘try’ and wake him up at such an indecent hour. Putting all his faith in his talking walking sleeping abusing alarm clock, Naga … he finally dared to hit the sack.
Anyways as 03:00 am of 8th December, 2009 dawned … Amy was already awake .. he had decided not to sleep. Gogo, Kallu Mama and Naga performed their duties in the morning by calling at 03:00 am
As Amy strode into the pre-morning fog towards the airport, he was partly sad and happy at the same time. Sad because Naga wont be able to make it due to his fantastic stomach condition and happy because he was attending his dearest friend wedding.
As the flight flew over the Eastern Coast (BLR – KOL – PAT), Amy decided to catch up on his missed sleep. It had been a “chicful” morning … a pretty babe at the airport escorting him to an exclusive counter for check-in, a cute Manipur girl sitting beside him in the aircraft and Monashree, the gorgeous air hostess who had given him more than just a look or so he felt.
08-December-2009 : DAY 1
The flight finally landed at 13:30 hours at Patna’s Lok Nayak Jayprakash airport after paying a visit to Kolkata’s Netaji Sub hash Chandra Bose Airport and a halt of 45 mins during which 2 noisy cry babies boarded the flight and had a major part in keeping me awake ( or was it Monashree’s roving eyes?)
As I got down the aircraft to inhale the fresh Bihar air for the first time in my life, I was shocked to realize that there would be no bus to take us to the terminal. I resigned to the fate of walking towards the terminal and looking left/right just to make sure that an aircraft doesn’t run me over. I guess Bihar can be the only place where people can get run over by planes!!! Anyways as I was walking towards the terminal, I saw something that looked like a podium and rows of seats arranged with posters and ‘gende ke phool’ garlands. I said to myself… another first. Imagine this … Patna International Aiport … TARMAC … there is function held (probably a speech, marriage god knows what). Where in the world can you see a function being held on the tarmac?? Security concerns my arse.
Next hour passed uneventful as I waited for Kallu to appear safely out of the terminal. 14:30 hours IST was the time when the two Bakars of room 523 & 116 met. After the rounds of hugs n holy words, we proceeded towards our Sumo arranged by Gogo to take us to Muzaffarpur, a distance of 80kms. I instructed Kallu to talk only in Hindi and trust me it was an absolute privilege listening Kallu interact with the Bihari driver in “PURE” hindi rather “shudh” hindi J It was like teaching calculus to a kindergarten kid. Neither the instructor nor the kid knew what to do !!
Sitting in the sumo, as we looked around Patna, we realized that instead of travelling in the flight we must have travelled through a time machine that has taken us back to the 18th century. India sure does live in 2 different centuries … never was this thought more crystal.
As we crossed the 7 km bridge over The Ganges that connects South Bihar to North Bihar, we wondered when was the last time that bridge had maintenance work. I guess we realized that maintenance is not a word in the dictionary of Bihar. Next couple of hours passed uneventful with us mesmerized by the greenery around the rich fertile land of The Ganga and the driver taking some ‘daring’ twists and turns to avoid bicycles, bikes, tuk tuks, cows, buffalos, trucks etc etc.
Two hours into the journey, we thought we might be close to muzaffarpur but by god… how wrong we were. Being in the eastern part of the country, add to it the winter season and the sun goes down real fast. 5pm is pitch dark and seems night. Add to it all the state highway (if I could call it a highway) is blocked by people. DETOUR time.
This was the most exciting part of the journey. As we made way through ‘kaccha’ roads through semi-villages it was time for my second realization of the day. India does not live in 2 different centuries .. it lives in many centuries .. the one we were travelling through was Dark Ages maybe. 4 feet wide road, potholes as big as my bath tub, stench worse that the Indian railway platform toilets, mosquito/ flies/ insect density of more that a zillion per cubic centimeter, villagers that looked as if they dint even know that India had gained independence. It sure was a hell of a ride. Vehicle coming from the other side meant putting your car into the face of a cow/ buffalo standing at the side of the road. I am sure kallu must have kissed a buffalo during that ride. But inspite of the negatives (rather adventures), we absolutely loved the ride. At that point in time, I told kallu … I LOVE BIHAR J
Finally we reached Patna after 5 hours or so (kallu has already calculated the speed of 16km/hr) and were greeted by Gogo’s friends/ relatives. The venue was a temple with lots of rooms around it. The Sangeet was supposed to start in 30 mins time on Floor 1. We rushed to our rooms, tried to wash off the dust/ dirt/ pollutants from our faces … but I believe even if I had jumped in an automatic car washing machine, the dirt woudnt have gone. Anyways we got ready … kallu in his politician white kurta n pajama and me in casuals. As always, before leaving the room … I asked Kallu … “Don’t you think I am looking too sexy” … U guys can guess what followed next J
As we entered floor 1 … the first thing I saw was …….. can u guess …….. well wrong guess I can say that already for u shola … I saw FOOD. Now the question was whether we should meet gogo first or feast. The choice was obvious. We met gogo first (that was d last time gogo .. don’t b happy). The smiles … the warmth … the exuberance … the excitement … the happiness … when we met …. The good ol’ fellas of 523 and 116 … oh well … words can’t describe that. Gogo was happy that bakar was here and we were happy that we made it. Finishing our hi/hellos, we dashed towards food where ... be rest assured paddy … I ate everything that was on offer. In the background, people were dancing to some rajasthani music.
As I was hogging kallu distracted me … his eye had caught a pretty face … making a note that gogo’s sallis were cute and a full day ahead, I re-focused on food. As per instructions from gogo, I was not supposed to c one of the saalis … if u wanna know the reasons … again ping me in private !!
It was around 10:30 pm and still there were no signs of Darindar. His train was running late by only 4 hours … it is like mili seconds as per BST Bihar Standard Time. The train was waiting at the Muzaffarpur outer signal. The news was that the motorman, train staff, TC’s, change staff and all others had gone to the nearby railway quarters for their dinner and were probably catching up on their sleep. The train would reach Muz station whenever those people wake up. We just hoped the motorman was not Naga part 2 else the train would never come.
Finally the third bakar arrived @ 11:30 pm with guess what … with his LAPTOP. In future science might find a way for the baby to survive inside the womb without the umbilical cord, humans might survive without oxygen, diamonds might be found on Juhu beach, paddy might stop thinking of food, shola might laugh like a human, GD might stop looking for a chic, Diva might spend a day with no chics around, naga might sleep for only 6 hours a day, gogo might stop his massage parlor & stop eating rajnigandha, kallu might stop watching ****, all of lath’s electronic equipment might work and he might actually play good songs and … BUT DARINDAR CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE SEEN WITHOUT A LAPTOP ……….. ~~~~~ PERIOD ~~~~~~
After exchanging the UN-pleasantries, we moved back to the marriage venue where the sangeet was just about to finish. Finally united with Gogo, we all had a good dinner … authentic Marwadi food. I did not disappoint you again Paddy by feasting on all the food items. After the usual bakar – dinner session, and keeping in mind the torturous early morning pooja’s that Gogo had to attend, we all called it a day and retired to our rooms.
Next 12 hours were dedicated to Naga … BLISSFUL SLEEP
09-December-2009 : DAY 2
Since the marriage ceremony was supposed to start only @ 3pm, it was decided to take a walk around Muzaffarpur town. Walking was preferred over automobile eventhough Gogo had insisted on a vehicle. So me, Kallu and Darindar treaded off to explore Muzaffarpur – the commercial capital of Bihar. The roads were a delicate mixture of intertwined mud, sand, cement, potholes, cow dung, dog shit, stones, dried grass, pan and gutka spits which added a divine color to the roads. The sand, dirt and stones were fixed on the ground partly due to gravity and largely due to the adhesive properties of cow dung and pan/gutka spits. The road level just keeps increasing coz people throw their waste and shit on the road itself.
As we ventured further, we saw a lake full of weeds … I tried to imagine little gogo taking bath in that lake in a ‘lungot’. I wouldn’t want to get too graphical keeping in mind the family nature of the audience … so we better move on.
After walking for 20 mins we realized we are not making enough distance through the maze of bicycles, cycle rickshaws, sumos, sheep, cows, buffalos and dogs. So kallu had a Eureka moment. He suggested that the three of us get on a single cycle rickshaw and started frantically searching for a cycle rickshaw … shouting at the cycle walas typical of a rowdy from vijaywada. Darindar imagined the plight of rickshaw wala after his huge frame sat on the rickshaw while I tried to visualize how the hell were the three of us going to sit on a seat that is 2 feet wide. But as we all know … there is no point in convincing Kallu … neither did either of us make any attempt.
Eventually we walked to Moti Jheel … the main market of Muzaffarpur where we saw one of India’s heritage monument … the pillars of the only bridge in Muzaffarpur. There were these pillars randomly strewn across the town with no intention of actually building in bridge. We discussed that if the world were to end today and in future if there was excavation work, those people would be amazed to find out how could the vehicles travel by just jumping from pillar to pillar.
Tired by the heat and not wanting to even risk mineral water in Muzaffarpur, we settled for the oranges. Darindar after peeling off the first orange asked the Question of the day … “Yeh santre ke chilke kahan pheku?” … It was met with a roaring laughter by me … darindar was actually searching for a dustbin when he was standing on one!!
Anyways after a bit of shopping, we headed back to the marriage venue to get dressed in our traditional attire.
Kallu got dressed in another white kurta pajama looking like an Andhra politician who had come to consult Gogo whether Andhra has to be split or not, while me n darindar got into some decent traditional wear.
There were a string of ceremonies … half of them I cannot even name. It started with baraath with Gogo getting on a ‘Ghodi’. The reluctant dancers – me, darindar and kallu were made to dance forcibly by Gogo’s mausas, cha-chas, taous and his gang of friends. And trust me when me and darindar descended to dance, even the ‘ghodi’ let out a shriek looking at the sheer lack of technique in the dance.
Once the baraat entered the venue, Gogo was taken away for some more rituals while we turned our attention towards authentic marwadi food. There was a drinks stall with a cute chinky chic who was being harassed by the Bihari boys with incessant demand for weird drinks. A fruit stall, an ice cream stall, coffee stall, a range of starters and center of it all the tandoor and associated items were the other paraphernalia. My pick of the day was ‘litti’ (gogo can put more light on d various dishes) and have added that thing to my list of favorite foods. Next 1 hour was spent in feasting after which we joined Gogo who was busy in some pooja.
The best part of the day was seeing the expression on Gogo’s face … it was a mixture of sleep, disgust, boredom, more sleep, anger, disinterest, even more sleep and disillusionment. If it was not for all the elders and social pressure he would have said fuck off to everyone and had gone to sleep. Trust me sitting for a whole day with all rituals around you and a sherwani weighing 10kgs is not a joke. To keep him in high spirits I slipped in between the pandit and Gogo. Joined by Kallu and Darindar, the usual bakar started. Kallu as always was eyeing the chics and asking my expert opinions which I promptly gave after consulting with Gogo to find out whether it his cousin or one of Surabhi’s cousins. I have made a note of the chics who were showing interest (as per Kallu they were showing more than just interest) … they were Surabhi’s cousins … so that discussion will take place once she arrives in Bangalore.
With the final vidai rasam remaining, Gogo headed to our rooms since he was instructed not to go upstairs. As soon as we entered the room, the door was securely shut and cigarettes packets and match boxes flew out of nowhere. After refreshing himself with a cig, Gogo headed for the vidai rasam and so did we. It was done in 15 mins with the usual rona dhona seeing in Ekta Kapoor’s serials.
As the clock read 2:00 am, me and darindar who were meeting after a very long time, decided to sit outside in the cold and talk. The talk turned out to be about life, the contents of which I cannot disclose even if you ping me in private!!
At 5:00 am we decided to call it a day and headed back to our rooms to find kallu snoring in telugu !
10-December-2009 : DAY 3
This was the day that we had to depart from muzaffarpur. After a royal breakfast, me and kallu headed towards Bodh Gaya via Patna while darindar had a train to catch from Muzaffarpur itself.
The next 2 hours were spent stuffed in a Sumo. Thanks to Gogo’s sanjay mausaji a vehicle was arranged for our further exploits in Bihar.
A distance of 130 kms from Patna to Bodh Gaya was covered in 5 hours. Needless to mention the quality of the roads. At one point the driver got down of the vehicle and stood aside because the road was so narrow that only one vehicle could pass at a time. Never to miss out on an opportunity, I told kallu to get down and get me some boiled eggs (apparently eating eggs is a culture in Bihar).
We reached Bodh Gaya at 7pm. After searching for a hotel to dump ourselves for the night, we had a below average dinner. It seemed so pathetic partly due to the royal food we had over the past 2 days thanks to Gogo.
Dinner was followed by a visit to the Bodh Gaya temple campus, some pics and retreat to the hotel for some sleep. It was decided to wake up at 4am next morning since the temple opened at 5am and we had places to cover. Next few hours we went into Naga mode obviously with no intention of meeting the 4am deadline.
11-December-2009 : DAY 4
We woke up eventually at 6am and went to the temple. Trust me people … this place is pristine. Amazingly peaceful. After standing in the spot where Gautam Buddha got enlightenment, I wondered if that would happen to Kallu.
Our next destination was Rajgir which is to the South West of Patna. This place had a cable car taking us to the hill top. As you must have seen in Picasa, these were the most pathetic cable cars I had ever sat on. Luckily the ground clearance was only 5 feet, so we decided that our life wasn’t in danger and we would live to tell the tale. On top there was nothing much but we got to meet the entire Bakar gang on the top … a bunch of monkeys who were more than happy to see us which they demonstrated by showing us some acrobatics.
Next we went to a spot in Rajgir where there were Hot Springs. Kallu had never seen hot springs in real life. He expected scenery the likes of New Zealand. But unfortunately the hot springs turned out to be a major disappointment. It was worse than the Mahim Khadi drainage in Mumbai. Those hot springs were supposed to have medicinal healing properties. With so much dirt in those hot springs, all the disease spreading germs would surely die. No wonder it had healing properties.
Next was Nalanda … a must see place for all the people. It was a thrill just to imagine that the great Chanakya must have walked in those buildings. It is surprising to know that in those days we had universities housing 10,000 students and 1,500 professors. Compare that with today and we have nothing to speak off. After a disturbing site of some ladies throwing rubbish chips packets in the Nalanda premises (got me pissed off big time), we left the place and headed for Pawapuri’s (south east of Patna) Jal Mandir wherein the footsteps of Mahavir are kept.
Thus ended our ‘spiritual’ trip with due respects paid to Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism.
Back in Patna, we had a train to board @ 8pm. Gogo and Sogo who were coming to Patna station to see us off from Muzaffarpur had a race against the clock in their Alto to be on time. Luckily the 523 and 116 bakars met again. With the final good-byes we left Patna with lots and lots of good memories to cherish and genuinely improved image of Bihar.
The impending journey of 31 hours to Warangal and 48 hours to Bangalore was planned to spend mostly in Naga mode as there were 10 people packed in a seating/ sleeping space of 6 people. Kallu got down at Warangal on 13th Dec @ 02:00 am and I was the final one to reach home at 21:00 hours.
